A Dozen Roses Of Loss Opportunity

The worst feeling in the world is quite possibly loving someone or even liking someone and realizing that they don’t feel the same way about you, and unfortunately for me, it is a song that always seems to be on repeat, playing out one of two ways. Either the guy is into me and I’m not into him, or I’m into him and he’s not into me.

Because of this, I have always struggled to express when I have feelings for a guy and usually when there is genuine interest there, I move at such a slow pace that he either loses interest or gets tired of waiting on me to step up to the plate. In all honesty, I can’t even begin to tell you how many great guys I have let slip out of my life due to my own insecurities.

Recently, I decided that I was going to change that when I met this guy named Matt and the results of laying my heart on the line garnished some less than pleasing results, but let me start from the beginning to give you the full extent of the story.

When I initially met Matt, I thought he was a nice guy, but I didn’t know if I wanted to get to know him as more than just friends. In fact, if I’m putting it all out there, I thought he was too colorful for me especially in comparison to the guys that usually catch my attention.

I was so unsure that I didn’t even try to kiss him at the end of our first “date”, and while we kept in touch afterwards, our hang out sessions were so few and far in between that it just never felt like the right thing to do. A lot of this had to do with my confusion of exactly how he felt about me and whether the time and space had turned his once romantic feelings into feelings of just friendship.

As the extent of his feelings became a question mark in my mind, my feelings were heating up like the eye on a stove and suddenly, I was thinking about him nonstop.

What would it feel like to kiss his lips? How would his body feel next to mine? And how it would it feel to consummate those feelings by adjoining our bodies to become one?

All of these feelings were racing through my head after an incredible “date” through Uptown Charlotte, but when we got back to his place, my mind just wouldn’t let my mouth say the words and I could feel that his patience had finally come to an end. It was like watching a train wreck that I had the power to stop, but my insecurities wouldn’t let me and deep inside, I knew that if he rejected me it would be the end of not only our potential relationship but also our friendship.

My heart just wouldn’t let me take that risk in the moment.

After giving it a little time and really thinking it through, I decided that if I couldn’t say the words, then I would write them in a way that I had never done for another guy. Trying to be a little romantic, I sent him flowers with a note detailing my desire to pursue more. It was my hope that the flowers would catch him off guard and really show him that the game of circles hadn’t been for nothing, and that I was interested in trying for more.

I was expecting a warm embrace or at least a text saying ‘Thank You’, but in the end those flowers only cost me and I’m not talking about the money – I could care less about that. What I care about is never receiving a ‘Good Morning’ text again, never seeing his face again or hearing the stories that weren’t funny, but still made me laugh because he was the narrator.

I care about the loss that those flowers represent for me and the walls that have inevitably been created because of this outcome. It is a rare man that truly understands the value and beauty of a single flower, and those flowers were my heart in a vase and now my heart is breaking.